Being There Read online

  “I already told you, I need time alone. He’s always here, and if it’s not him, it’s you, or my parents are calling, I just need a break.”

  “Oh, you poor thing. You have people who care about you,” she mockingly coos. “Stop your bitching! It’s unbecoming, pathetic actually. So why don’t you tell me what’s really going on?”

  “Nothing,” I huff, throwing myself onto my couch and crossing my arms over my chest, taking on the demeanor of an insolent child.

  “Well, since you’re not going to admit anything, how ‘bout I tell you what I think is going on, and you can let me know if I’m right. Or just pretend I’m clueless, whatever you want.” She doesn’t wait for me to respond, “I think that you enjoy having Drew around, and that pisses you off. I think your feelings for him never went completely away, scratch that, I know they never went away, and you’re afraid to allow yourself to feel them. And I think that you’re pushing him away because you don’t want to hurt if you lose him again. Am I anywhere near the vicinity?”

  “I hate you,” I reply tersely.

  “You love me,” she quips, stepping into my comfort zone and pushing me. “Now answer me. Am. I. Right?”

  I had finally gotten the waterworks under control, and now Nev is making me admit to things I’m not ready to face. “I don’t know what I feel!”

  “Bullshit! Now tell me.”

  “Fine, yes, to all of it. Are you happy? Having him here has been pretty great. I do want my space, but I like that he’s been here with me. But I’ve caught myself fantasizing that something could come from this and it can’t.”

  “Why not? Because you’re scared?”

  “Yes and no. Earlier, he thought I was asleep I heard him talking to someone. He’s stuck taking care of me out of some misplaced obligation and we’re not even together. There’s someone who wants to be with him and he said no because he’s taking care of his ‘friend.’ So I gave him an out.”

  “You are stupid, you know that? He was talking to Luke you ass! Luke was trying to get him to go out for a while so that I could come and hang out with you and do a junk food and movie thing. Just us. Drew told him he didn’t want to leave you. Have you not noticed that that man loves you?” She scoffs and shakes her head, “For whatever reason, you keep trying to save him from you. Get over your shit and do something already. I’m so sick and tired of this ‘poor me’ crap.”

  “He was talking to Luke?” I repeat what she just said in a hush to myself.

  “Of everything I just said to you, that’s what you walk away with?”

  I shake my head to clear my thoughts, “I heard you. But he said it, he said ‘friend,’ and it hurt like hell. I know what I feel for him, what I’ve always felt, but he’s got the friend hat on.”

  She raises her well-arched eyebrow and gives me a knowing look, “Maybe that’s because you insisted to him that you need ‘friends,’ right now.”

  My eyes get wide when I recall the conversation I had with Drew when I told him about the cancer. I did say those words to him and he willingly agreed, so I just assumed that he wanted the same thing. Nev sits next to me and wraps her arm around my shoulder as I let it all sink in. “How ‘bout that movie?” she asks out of nowhere, as though our conversation never happened. Yet another reason I love my best friend, she makes her point and shuts up while I mull it all over. I don’t even know what movie she’s put in as the opening credits start because I’m still trying to see how much of what she said is true.

  We both jump when the front door flies open to see Drew barging in with a crazy look in his eyes and I’m not sure whether to be amused or scared. Luke follows behind him and closes the door to watch whatever is about to go down. Drew doesn’t say a word. He just rushes over to sit on the coffee table in front of me to stare into my eyes searching for something. I feel uncomfortable under his gaze and try to look away when he speaks up.

  “What do you want from me?” he asks abruptly.

  I look at him confused by his question, unsure of how to even answer him. “What?” I stammer. “What the hell are you talking about?” I question, looking from him to Nev. She just nods her head, pushing me to answer.

  “I mean, Do. You. Love. Me?”

  “You’re one of my best friends, of course I love you.”

  He shakes his head, knowing that I understand what he’s asking, but I need time. “No. Do you love me? Not your friend. Me?”

  I have never been eloquent with words, but I can usually formulate a sentence, but at this question, my vocabulary has flown out the window. All I can do is look down and whisper, “Yes.”

  “Yes?” He sounds surprised by my response.

  “Yes, I love you. But…”

  “No, no ‘buts,’ you love me.” He leans forward and reaches for my hands and lifts my chin so my eyes meet his, “I love you Cass. I have for years. I’m here with you now because I want to be. I know you’re scared about this shit you’re going through, I’m scared too. But I don’t want to waste whatever time it is we have apart. You are the love of my life. I need you to know that.”

  I reach my hand out and cup his cheek before responding. “I love you so much,” I feel my eyes sting with unshed tears. “I don’t want you to see me like this. What if I don’t make it? I don’t want this to be how you remember me.”

  “And what if you do get through it? You want to do this without me by your side?”

  “Of course not.”’

  “Then let’s focus on the ‘you getting through it’ scenario okay?”

  “Okay.”

  I look over to see Nev with tears in her eyes as she smiles at me. She wraps an arm around my back giving me encouragement. I scoot to the edge of the seat cushion with ease and wrap my arms around his neck and whisper into his ear, “I have, and will always, love you.”

  He unwraps my hands from his neck and I’m disappointed with the separation. He continues to hold them, prompting me to face him, “You have to let me go through this with you. I need this. Okay?” I exhale and nod in agreement. I can’t say another word because he leans forward and joins his lips to mine and kisses me without regard to our friends who are witnessing this moment.

  Luke clears his throat and we separate for a moment still staring at each other. Nev gets to her feet and reaches to touch our hands that are still entwined and gives them a tender squeeze. After a quick kiss to my head, she walks over to Luke, “Call me tomorrow?” I never take my eyes off his when I nod. The door closes behind them and I hear the distinct sound of the bolt being locked from the outside. I love Nevaeh.

  We sit there a few moments and I finally break the silence when I remove my hands from his and push myself up to stand. Drew looks concerned until I tell him, “I’m tired.” I start to walk away and look back at him, “Take me to bed?” He wastes no time in getting to my side.

  Every time he’s stayed with me, he’s slept on the couch or in the guest bedroom without complaint. And every time, I have wished he was on this side of the door with me. Tonight, we walk together to my room and I’m happy. He closes the bedroom door behind us as I walk to sit at the edge of my bed. Drew sits next to me and pulls me to his lap and I willingly go to him.

  “I love you. So. Much.” He says in a hushed voice. He moves his hand to my neck and brings my lips to his. I have missed this so much and didn’t realize it. “Are you feeling okay?” he asks, and I love that he’s concerned about me. Instead of answering him, I kiss him again and catch him off guard when I deepen the kiss running my hands over his shoulders to snake around his neck.

  I can tell he’s holding back out of concern for my strength. He stops kissing me and leans his forehead to mine, trying to catch his breath. “Please don’t,” I plead with him. “I’m not going to break. Just kiss me.” For only a second does he debate before crashing his mouth to mine because he needs this as much as I do.

  It feels like the night in college all over again, realizing we are on the same page. I feel like
an insane hormonal teenager again, but I don’t care, because he’s all I need and I know that for as long as there is breath in this body of mine, I always will. I kiss him for everything we have been and for everything we might be and when we separate this time, I’m grinning because I know that he’s mine.

  “I love you, too,” I reveal, staring straight into his eyes.

  Falling for Drew

  Waking up in a Drew Alexander pretzel is both suffocating, and so damn awesome. This is, without a doubt, the best night’s sleep I have had in years, and even though I’m lying under his body heat, I don’t care enough to move. It seems like the time it took us to get to this place took so long, but here he is. With me. I shift my position so that I’m facing him because I need to see his face. I feel his arm tighten around my waist, but he doesn’t open his eyes, so I move my hand to touch his cheek and place a soft kiss where my hand touched. His eyes lazily open and he smiles before kissing me back.

  “Hey,” I say in a whisper before kissing him again.

  “Hey yourself,” he smiles.

  “Sleep okay?”

  “I’m with you, best sleep ever,” he kisses my nose and squeezes me again.

  I move to sit up so I can look down at his beautiful face, “Can I ask you something?”

  “Anything,” he says brushing my hair out of my face.

  “What made you come back?” My curiosity has gotten the best of me. I know he was with Luke, but how did he get from storming out to coming back and declaring his love?

  He leans up on his elbow and looks a little embarrassed. “Eve.”

  “What?” I ask bemused. “You went out with her after all?”

  He was with Eve last night? I try not to look as winded as I feel because I want him to have a chance to explain. But I know about his past with her, and how she felt about him, and yet, she has something to do with why we are here right now?

  “No, I didn’t go out with her,” he says sternly. “Last night when I left, I called Nev to tell her that you wanted me to leave, so she told me that Luke was going to meet me at the bar. I was sitting there sulking when Eve walked in and sat next to me. She started in with her flirting,” he looks at me with wide eyes, as though he just realized what he said, “but I ignored her,” he adds quickly. I can tell he’s worried that I’m going to flip out, but I’ve learned my lesson, I need to at least hear him out. Hell, I needed to know how his ex had anything to do with us.

  “She started giving me crap until I snapped at her and told her about us. That girl was always good at playing dumb, but she didn’t hold back last night,” he shakes his head like he’s realizing it for the first time. “After everything I told her about you and me, she just kinda tore me a new one. Said that I was an idiot and pointed out something that I thought had long since passed.” He looks at me, waiting for something, but I’m not sure what.

  “And that would be?”

  He simply says, “That you love me.”

  I nod my head at his last statement because it’s true, but my ego hates that it took his ex, someone he shared a history with, to make him see what we felt for each other. But how can I be angry, because I’ve been denying those same feelings since he popped back into my life. I can tell he knows I’m pissed, but not enough to make me want to fight over it. In the end, he came to me; he told me that he loved me. That’s all I need to know.

  “Well, there is something that she missed,” I say, trying to sound mysterious.

  “And that would be?”

  “I never stopped loving you. You were my best friend for years and I could pretend that is was just friendship, but somewhere along the way it changed and I was too proud to admit it. I was too afraid of ruining our friendship.”

  “And now?”

  “Now?” I think it over, trying to find the words I want to tell him. “Someday I’m going to marry you. Someday we are going to have kids and we are going to fight…knowing us, more than normal. You’ll love me more at times and carry me, and the days I love you more, I’ll carry you. But you’re not getting rid of me and no matter what I’ll have my best friend with me. Forever.”

  He’s quiet for a second, but I can tell he is amused. “Great…so Nev is gonna live with us,” he says with a grin. Suddenly his smile disappears and his eyes go wide with shock, “Wait, you said ‘forever.’ Did you just propose to me?”

  “No! Of course not,” I stammer, embarrassed by my declaration. I didn’t mean to sound so bold, as to imply it’s happening this moment, “I’m just saying it will happen someday.”

  “How do you know?” He leans up on his elbow to get a better look at me, “We reconnected just over a month ago and this,” he glances at the bed, “just happened.”

  I shove at his arm, knocking him back down to his pillow because I know he’s trying to give me a hard time, but I’m on to his game. “I’ve always known you were the only one, even when you weren’t the one.”

  “That makes no sense, but, okay,” he says quietly. “Until the forever part, why don’t we go on a date? We’ve never done that before.”

  “I’m not sure about that. I’m still weak today. Rain check?” I ask hopefully.

  “Hell no. We are having a date, even if it’s here at your place,” he says before jumping out of bed and getting dressed in a hurry. I watch as he scurries around the room, gathering his shoes and even going to my bathroom to use my toothbrush. It’s amazing how comfortable he is in my place. He rushes back to the bed to kiss me once more before leaving.

  “Where are you going?” I ask as he leaves my room in a whirlwind. I sit up in my bed and lean over to see where he has gone and spot him at the counter grabbing his keys. He turns back to me before opening the door and gives me a sly smile.

  “I’m taking care of everything. I’ll call Nev and have her come hang with you for a little. You and me, we have a date. Seven o’clock sharp.”

  Just before he shuts the door behind him, I call after him, “Drew! Wait. What should I wear?”

  He doesn’t look back at me, just shouts his answer behind him, “It’s taken care of.”

  “What in the hell just happened?” I say aloud to myself. I think to the conversation we were having and cringe when I realize the words that came out of my mouth. Jeez, it did sound like I just proposed to him. I have no doubt we’ll end up together some day, but damn, telling a guy, less than twelve hours after getting together that you are destined for forever is just batshit crazy. I let out a loud sigh and throw myself back into my pillows, but that lasts only a second because a new wave of nausea and vomiting returns with a vengeance. I try in vain to relax, but there’s no way when I have no control over the effects it has on my body. I feel lightheaded and hot, but I have a feeling taking a shower will help with that. I had hoped this time would be better than the first treatment.

  Fortunately, by the time Nevaeh shows up, I have everything under control, and she is none the wiser. She enters my home baring a dress bag and her makeup kit and I can’t help but wonder what’s going on. She fills me in on the details I’m allowed to know, which is nothing, for the most part, but I go along with all of it. Drew had enlisted her help in planning our date for tonight; so all I know is that he will be here at seven, and my outfit has already been selected for me. I’ll just have to wait to see the rest of the plans.

  I’m still not feeling completely myself, but it’s nice having someone help me feel pretty. Being sick and in sweats doesn’t allow one to feel sexy but the strapless navy blue dress Nev found fits me perfectly. Since I’m somewhat self-conscious about my hair loss from the chemo, she does her best to make my hair look nice, but I think I’m going to have to cave soon and let her take it all off. That thought doesn’t thrill me, so I ignore it for now.

  It’s almost seven and I have been bathed, primped and primed for my date with Drew and I feel nervous, but I don’t understand why. It’s not like we haven’t hung out together thousands of times before. But I know this time is dif
ferent. Nev left earlier with one piece of advice. Have fun.

  I jump to my feet when I hear a knock at the door knowing Drew is on the other side and when I do, I have to pause momentarily because I get dizzy. I walk slowly to the door and when I open it, all I can focus on is the man in front of me. Holy Shit! Drew standing there in black dress slacks, button down shirt and tie is sexy as hell. I’m not used to seeing him look so polished. He must have gotten a haircut while he was gone and I love the unkempt way his hair is styled. Damn he looks good! His smile upon looking at me is so gorgeous; I can’t help but return it.

  “Wow,” is all he says as he steps in to kiss me.

  “You act like you haven’t seen this dress. Didn’t you pick it?” I ask looking down at the simple number.

  “No, I told Nev what I had planned and asked her to find something fitting,” he admits.

  I take the opportunity to model the dress with a little twirl, “And, what do you think?”

  He reaches out as I lose my balance, although I don’t think he noticed. “Cass, you look amazing.”

  “So what do you have planned for our date?” I ask.

  “It’s a surprise. Come with me,” he offers his arm to lead me outside.

  “I thought we were staying here?” I ask with trepidation, looking back inside my apartment.

  He sees the concern on my face and tries to assuage my fears, “We’re not going far, I promise.”

  I take his arm and allow him to lead me outside to an awaiting limo. “What the hell is this for, Drew?”

  “Like I said, we aren’t going far. I just want to show you the landscaping project I’ve been working on for a new business park. Is that okay?” I have no response, so I just nod in agreement and decide to let go of my fears and trust him.

  It’s a short drive to the downtown area, and I’m pretty familiar with the route we take to get here. We arrive to the place he wanted to show me, but this isn’t a building I recognize. The view is amazing with the Houston skyline illuminated by the office lights still on and the cars passing in the distance. I wait as Drew steps out to come to my side of the car and offers his hand to help me out. He has a beautiful smile on his face as he takes my fingers in his and leads me down a wide gravel path.