Mine to Lose Read online

  “You should have told me,” he offers, stepping forward and reaching out for me.

  “There’s nothing that you could have done. It hurt like hell. That bastard kicked me and bruised me, but it was nothing compared to the pain in my soul when the doctor couldn’t find a heartbeat.”

  “You were pregnant. You had my baby inside you, Em. I had a right to know, even if you thought it would hurt me, I deserved to know.”

  “Don’t you think I know that? But I thought I was doing what was best,” I argue, finding myself feeling defensive at his words.

  “That’s not what I mean.” He steps away and grunts, “Shit! None of this is coming out right. I’m just trying to say that I wanted to be there for you. I never wanted to let you go.”

  “Then why did-”

  “Wait, let me finish, okay?”

  “Fine,” I say, crossing my arms over my chest, staring his silhouette down.

  “I didn’t want to end things, it just seemed like that was the direction we were heading. I figured if it was meant to be, we’d just find our way back. But as soon as you hung up the phone, I knew I was wrong. I kept calling, hoping you would return just one of my calls, because I needed to make it right. I needed to take it all back. My last hope was when I came to pick up my things. I had no idea you were living with Joss, I was just as surprised as you were. You broke my fuckin’ heart when you gave my ring back, but I deserved it, after what I put you through. Joss begged me to wait and talk to you, but I heard what you said to her, and I knew I needed to let you go.”

  “Then why were you at the hospital?”

  “Because it was where I belonged. I wasn’t lying when I told Alex that I had family things to take care of.” He reaches out his hand to me, waiting for me to give him mine. “You are my family. I needed to be with you, even if you just needed a friend.”

  My head drops in defeat, because that’s what he’s been for me. He wraps his arms around me and mine grasp the shirt on his back.

  “I’m so sorry that you went through all of that alone. I don’t know what I would have said, or how I could have made it better, but at least I would have been with you.”

  He walks me back to the swing and holds me on his lap as I cry into his neck. It’s something that I didn’t know I needed- to mourn with Ryan.

  I’m not sure how long we’ve been sitting outside in the cold air, but time doesn’t matter. We laugh, arguing about what our kid would have been like, Ryan insisting it would have been a boy who would have his looks and my drive. I insist our son, who I call Bean, would have been a slightly awkward kid that would have grown up to be the best version of both of us.

  Somehow this conversation leads to us arguing about names, something we never talked about when we were together. We make fun of each other’s choices, because he chooses stuffy family names, while I try to find unique ones.

  When our laughter subsides, Ryan leads me to a tree beside the swing and touches it gently before looking at me. “We didn’t get to meet our baby, Em, and I’m so sorry. I’m sorry you’ve gone through this and I wasn’t there to help, but I want to be here now. If you’ll let me.”

  He takes a labored breath and exhales before he speaks again, and I hear his voice strain. I reach for his hand to squeeze it because I know this is hard for him. He just found out he lost someone he never knew he had and I can tell he’s hurting.

  “I know it won’t stop hurting right away, but I think we need to be able to say goodbye.”

  “I don’t know how, Ryan,” I admit through my tears.

  “What if we say this is our baby’s tree? This belongs to Bean. There was no baby to hold, no one to bury, but this tree can be the place we go to remember him.”

  I have no words, speechless by Ryan’s proposal.

  He continues, “I wish I could have met you little man, but I promise you, I’m going to take care of your mom, and I’ll make sure that she knows every day how much I love her.”

  I look over at him, unsure of what he’s trying to say. He kneels down and touches the base of the tree before muttering something else that I can’t make out. It’s a private moment between him and the baby we lost, so I don’t pry. When he stands up, he walks behind me and wraps his arms around my waist giving me strength to say goodbye. I think the hardest part is letting go, something that up to this point, I haven’t done.

  I turn in his arms and bury my head in his chest, sobbing. “I can’t, Ryan.”

  “I’m right here; you can do it.”

  I nod in his arms and slowly turn around, wiping my eyes. “Hey baby,” I whisper through my tears. “I’m sorry I never got to meet you, but in the short time that I knew about you, I loved you more than I thought possible. I have to let you go now, but you will always- always, be in my heart.”

  We stand there, holding each other in front of our baby’s tree until my tears fade, and when they do, Ryan takes my hand in his and walks me back to join my sister’s wedding. As we near the entrance, I tug at his hand, prompting him to stop. He cocks his head to the side, questioning my action, but when I raise my brows, my unspoken concern is acknowledged.

  I don’t know what’s going to happen with Ryan, if anything, but I have to talk to Trey. He’s still seated at the table where I left him, and I feel guilty that I’ve been away so long. When I reach him, he stands up to check if I’m okay, but he sees it.

  “He found you?”

  “Yeah,” I nod, “Why did you send him after me?”

  “Because, I knew it’s what you wanted.” His smile is stoic as he looks down at me. His hand touches my cheek, causing my breathing to stutter and my eyes well with tears. In a short amount of time, he has come to mean more than I would have thought.

  “You’re kinda perfect, Trey,” I say through my teary smile, unsure how no one else has snagged him.

  He pulls me close and places an innocent kiss to my lips before hugging me. “Emogen Kane, you’re everything I never knew I wanted, but you belong to someone else. But if he screws up, you call me.”

  He reaches over to retrieve his coat from his seat and kisses my cheek before walking off. I follow his path and watch as he passes Ryan, patting his shoulder and saying something. Ryan smiles at me and nods as Trey disappears.

  CHAPTER 31 ~ Two Months Later

  I haven’t heard much from Trey since my sister’s wedding, not that I expected to. We’ve exchanged a few emails, but kept it pretty friendly. We’ve made plans to have lunch, but something comes up. We try to reschedule, but I’m not sure he really wants to see me. I miss our banter, but I guess this is the way it has to be. I still think that he and Joss would get along really well, but that would be weird. At least I think it would be.

  When he cancelled today, I roped Joss into going shopping with me. Neither of us enjoys shopping, but we do love being together. You would think that living together, we’d be tired of each other, but our schedules keep us really busy.

  “I’m hungry,” she whines. “Let’s scrap this shopping bullshit and eat.”

  “Well, when you put it that way, how can I resist?”

  She grabs my basket that has a few random items, none of which I need, and pushes it aside. “What are you in the mood for? My treat.”

  “Whoa,” I tease, “what’s the occasion.”

  “I met someone,” she beams.

  “Italian,” I say before she interrupts.

  “I don’t think so, but I could be wrong.” I can tell she’s thinking, but I’m not following at all.

  “What are you talking about?” I ask, confused by her statement.

  “Who knows, maybe he is Italian.” She throws her hands up in defeat.

  I stop walking and laugh so hard that it hurts my stomach. “Please tell me you’re joking. I was talking about food.”

  She doesn’t respond except with cheeks so red, she could give Santa a run for his money. We walk a short way to a tiny sandwich shop where she starts to tell me about the guy she met
. Apparently they haven’t even met, yet. Joss has no problems meeting guys wherever she goes; her outgoing personality and good looks have always opened doors, but she’s never given herself enough credit.

  “I signed up for one of those online dating sites,” she admits embarrassed.

  “Why?”

  “I’m tired of the creeps I keep meeting, so I figured if I want something different, I need to do something different.”

  “What do you know about this guy?”

  “His name is Rhen, he moved to the area about a year ago from Texas. He said he recently got out of a bad relationship and quit the family business. I guess he needed a change.”

  “So you’ve at least talked to him?”

  “Yeah, we’ve actually talked on the phone for the last two weeks, but I’m nervous about meeting in person. I mean, what if his picture isn’t really him?”

  “What if it is?” I counter.

  “Then I want to marry him right away and make lots of pretty babies.”

  I laugh at her answer. “So he’s hot, huh?”

  “If that picture is really him? Yeah. But why would someone that hot need to be on a dating site? I’m sure he has no problem meeting women in the real world.”

  I stare at her, waiting for her to find the irony in that statement, but she doesn’t get it.

  “He wants to meet me this weekend.”

  “Are you going?”

  She looks at me and bites the side of her lip. “Look, I know Ryan is coming in town, and I know y’all need some alone time, but I would love you forever if you guys came with me.”

  “You want us to double with you?”

  “No,” she shakes her head, appalled at the suggestion. “I want y’all nearby, in case he’s lying or scary. Just to be safe.”

  “We’ll be there, but what if the picture is him? What kind of sign are you going to give me to let me know everything’s okay?”

  “When I start making out with him on the spot, you can leave,” she laughs. “Or maybe I’ll just subtly send you a text to scram.”

  “Sounds like a plan.”

  “I’ll make myself scarce the rest of the weekend so you and Ry can have some alone time.”

  “You don’t have to do that,” I assure her with a smile. “I’d do anything for you, you know that.”

  When we finished lunch, I talked Joss into buying a new outfit for her date with Rhen. She found a cute low-cut purple top that fit her perfectly and she splurged on a pair of brown high heel boots to wear with her dark denim jeans. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her so nervous about a date, and I hope this guy is everything he claims to be. And if he’s not, Ryan and I will be right there to whisk her away.

  I grab the bag containing the two shirts that I bought and head up the stairs to our apartment. I jump when I see a man sitting on the balcony outside the door, until I realize that it’s Ryan.

  “What are you doing here?” I ask when he looks up at me with that grin.

  “Waiting for you,” he answers, getting to his feet. When I’m sure he’s ready, I leap into his arms, wrapping my legs around his waist. The long distance thing is still tough, but the times we’re together make it worth it. I give him my key, kissing him senseless while he unlocks the door. He kicks the door shut behind us and returns my kiss until he sets me on the couch back and pulls away.

  “I need to talk to you,” he says as he nods to the couch so I follow. He’s a little too serious for my liking, but he’s here, so that’s a good thing.

  “It’s Wednesday, I wasn’t expecting you until Friday. Do I have you all to myself until then?”

  “Well,” he starts, and I get concerned.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Don’t freak out, okay?”

  “Of course I’m going to freak out. You just said not to, what the hell is going on?”

  “I’m moving back to Denver,” he says slow and easy.

  “They transferred you back?”

  He takes a deep breath and shakes his head. “I quit.”

  “You what? You’re joking, right? You loved your job,” I remind him.

  “But I love you more.”

  “Ryan, that’s a sweet sentiment, but you need a job to live. What are you gonna do?”

  “That’s why I’m here. I had a second interview today with another firm. Better pay, and I get to be here with you. I just figured it’s time I put you first.”

  “Had?” I repeat. “So what does that mean?”

  “I got the job,” he says with a smile.

  I let out a scream and climb onto his lap to kiss him, but I slap his arm instead. “You lead with that you ass!”

  He laughs and cups my face in his hands. “Where’s the fun in that?”

  “You know, Ryan,” I say as I get up from his lap and look right at him. “Payback’s a bitch.”

  “But you love me anyway,” he shouts over his shoulder when I pass by. “Hey, I have my stuff outside in my car, can you help me bring some of it in?”

  “You don’t think you’re moving in here do you?”

  “Just for tonight,” he says.

  It takes us three trips to get everything out of his Jeep, but he said the rest would be coming in a week. He’s already lined up a new place to live, so he’ll stay with me, for more than the one night he claimed. I can’t believe he’s back.

  “Hey, we have to chaperone Joss’ blind date Friday night,” I shout to him from my bedroom. He’s in the kitchen calling an order for takeout when she comes in with her bags from shopping.

  “Ordering pizza, pepperoni alright?” he asks her as she passes.

  “Perfect,” she answers, distracted with her bags.

  “Who’s the lucky guy?”

  “Sweet,” she yells from her room. “So you already know.”

  “Know what?” he asks, confused by the lack of information.

  “Oh hell, Em. You didn’t tell him everything?” She stops in the middle of the room and sees the boxes of Ryan’s crap. “What are you doing here? It’s not Friday.”

  “Nope. Wednesday,” he offers. “And before you ask, no, I’m not moving in, but I am moving back.”

  I walk out of my room and she looks over at me and smiles. “Welcome home, Ry! It’s about damn time.”

  “Thanks.” He smiles at her. “So what’s the deal with this guy?”

  I roll my eyes and laugh going back to my room so she can give him the details of her latest catch.

  * * *

  “Ryan,” I whine, “I thought we got everything out last night.”

  “I had a few things at Dean’s place, and since Cam’s moving in with him, he needed me to get it out. Besides, you’ve been asleep all morning.”

  “You have to admit, you’re exhausted, too.” I don’t think either of us went to sleep until after two when we heard Joss come in. Rhen was everything Joss hoped he was, and she shooed us away the first chance she got. I was still worried and waited up until I knew she got in safely, so sleeping until nine doesn’t feel like all morning to me.

  “C’mon, the sooner we do this, the sooner you can get back into bed.”

  I drag myself out from between the sheets and put my slippers on and grab a coat before following him outside. His Jeep is parked to the side of the building, and I silently curse him for leaving it as far away as possible. I don’t know how much he had at Dean’s but if it’s anything like what he arrived with yesterday, there won’t be much room left in the apartment.

  “I left the passenger side unlocked, so we can grab stuff from both sides,” he says, as he walks to the driver’s side.

  I get to the door and open it, and a folded piece of paper falls out and lands near my feet. I look at Ryan, but he doesn’t see it, so I bend down to pick it up and open it up.

  My heart skips a beat, and my body flutters in a strange way when I read the words.

  I’m the guy in the Jeep, standing behind you and I think you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve
ever seen. I don’t think I can live without you.

  Marry me?

  When I turn around, Ryan is down on one knee, holding my ring in his hand with a heartbreaking smile on his face. The last time he proposed, it was flashy and over the top, and as much as I loved it, it wasn’t us.

  This is us.

  He pulls out his wallet and hands me a tiny piece of paper that’s worn and folded. I’m careful when I open it, so as not to tear it, and in my hands is the note that started it all, the one I left on his Jeep years ago. I had no idea he even kept it, but the evidence is in my hands.

  “You’ve had this all this time?” I ask, as a single tear rolls down my cheek.

  “No one had ever done anything like that to me before, I thought it was pretty damn cool. I hoped you’d call, and when you didn’t, I thought it was a fluke. But that night that you came up to me, all cocky and sexy, I knew I wanted to get to know you better. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me, and I’ll spend the rest of my life proving it.”

  “I love you so much,” I say to him, handing back the note from his wallet.

  “So is that a yes?”

  I shake my head no, and his smile fades. He slowly drops his hand, reeling from my action and runs his hand through his hair.

  “It’s a hell yes!” I finally answer when I feel he’s suffered enough.

  “You could have just said that,” he says, his smiling returning as he stands up and kisses me.

  But I remind him between kisses, “Payback’s a bitch.”

  THE END

  EPILOGUE

  “When I tell you, I want you to push,” the doctor instructs. We nod in unison, squeezing each other’s hands.

  “You can do it, baby,” Mom encourages with excitement.

  “Ok, Langley, push,” he says.

  Reid stays near her face, stroking her hair and kissing her cheeks. He doesn’t know what to do, because she gripes if he does nothing, and gripes if he does it wrong. Poor guy can’t tell whether he’s coming or going, and I have to admit, it’s entertaining.