Mine to Lose Read online

  “So I’m the irrational one, is that right?” My hands go to my hips and I fix my glare on him. “It’s irrational that I want to be with my boyfriend, the guy I’m about to marry, and that I expect him to put me first? It’s irrational that I get pissed when he does the complete opposite? Do I have that right? Well, let me tell you something, Ryan, I think that you are being a complete jerk.”

  I barely get two steps into storming off when he is suddenly at my side, grasping my wrist and pulling me to him. I push at his chest, trying to get away, but his other hand finds my waist as he pulls me close.

  “Em.” I’m trying to turn my face away from him, but he places a gentle touch to my chin, urging me to look at him. “We can’t keep this up.”

  I stop resisting and my arms fall limp at my side. Ryan is the most rational person I know, and maybe that’s the problem. Where did his passion for me go? I feel like I’m fighting for us, and he’s fighting for his career. I can’t do the fighting for the both of us. This realization cuts deep inside of me, and I feel my heart physically ache.

  “You're right,” I admit past the lump in my throat. “We can’t.”

  “So what's our solution?”

  “I think we both need some space, Ryan.” His body goes rigid at those words, and my face that is nuzzled into his chest lends me the ability to hear his heartbeat. I hurry to elaborate. “I love you, you know that. I just don’t want to fight anymore, it’s getting us nowhere.”

  “We have to talk it out.” He holds my hand in his, pulling me to the couch. I try to resist, but he only squeezes tighter. “I’m sorry about the way I told you. I really didn’t think-”

  “No, you didn’t think.” I turn a fierce glare on him.

  He stares at me for a second before raising his eyebrows in question, “Are you going to let me finish, or would you rather have this argument alone?”

  Adequately put in my place, I shut my mouth and let him finish. “I didn’t mean to dump it on you like that. I really thought you’d be happy with the opportunity. I know you’re pissed and you don't want me here." I finally turn to look at him, only to give him a knowing look. He doesn't give into my tantrum and continues his lecture. “Ok, well, I thought maybe I'd get some resistance with that one, but whatever. Point is, clearly I was wrong and this is something that we need to discuss.”

  “Fine, talk.”

  He closes his eyes and shakes his head, and I know I’m irritating the shit out of him. “Are you going to be like this the whole time?”

  “Um, yeah." I nod. "Most likely.”

  “You are being ridiculous, you know that, right?”

  I roll my eyes, because I'm not in the mood to listen to him, let alone stay in the same place with him. I stand from the couch and head to the bedroom to change my clothes to make my point. He watches as I walk from the room, standing to follow after. I try to shut the door, but he catches it before I can stop him.

  “I already told you, we're not going anywhere until we’ve sorted this out.”

  “What are you gonna do? Lock me in the apartment?”

  “Maybe.” He shrugs. “The way I figure, if you leave, you’re only going to go see Joss or call that girl from work, and tell them what you’re pissed about. So you might as well stay here and tell me.”

  I’m not about to cave and talk because he’s ready; I need time. “I have some work to do,” I say as I move past him and head to the computer. “So, your plan backfired.” I pull out the documents containing everything for the T.M. event and set about getting my work done, hopeful he’ll leave me alone.

  I think he’s impressed with my stance because there’s a flash of shock in his eyes. “That’s fine, Em. You work, I’ll be here when you’re finished.” He makes a show of moving to the couch and grabbing the remote to turn on a movie. The volume is turned up to an annoying level, but I know he’s trying to get a rise out of me so I choose to ignore it.

  The stubbornness both of us are displaying is fast becoming a game to see who can top the other. I still won’t say a word to him and opt instead to up the ante by turning up the volume on my computer so I can hear my playlist better. To make it a little more maddening, I select a band that I know he hates and sing along, way off key and missing words. At this point, I know I’m not really getting any work done, not that I was going to get much done anyway, but I’m finding this charade increasingly entertaining.

  Ryan gets up from his seat on the couch and I’m sure that I’ve won, until he goes to the kitchen and turns on the faucet. I don’t have to look to know that he’s not washing anything; he just knows how much I hate water going to waste. I contemplate my next move, now that it’s my turn to make him squirm, so I do the only thing I can think of. I stand up and start walking to our bedroom and just before I get through the door, I take my shirt off, toss it to the couch and pause for only a moment to take off my bra and when I look back at him, the shock on his face tells me I just won. I rush into the room as I see him start to head in my direction and lock the door behind me.

  I slide down the door until I’m sitting and reach for my t-shirt that’s lying on the floor. No doubt it’s dirty, but I’m too tired and hung-over to care. With my head resting on my knees, I try to relax and gather my thoughts. Sparring with Ryan is daunting, but being more stubborn than usual is making this day a little more tolerable. In the solace of our room, I use the time to reorganize my drawers, shuffling things around, even though it makes no sense. Every so often, Ryan knocks and asks if he can come in, which I respond to by turning the radio up a little louder.

  “Mature, Em,” I hear him huff on the other side.

  He’s right; there’s nothing mature about the way I’m acting and yet, he’s still here. He wants to talk and I guess I need to be open to the conversation. I turn the music down and unlock the door before taking a seat at the edge of the bed. When he comes into the room he sits down next to me and offers his hand and I give him mine.

  “I won’t go,” he says in a hush, looking down at the floor.

  That’s what I want more than anything, for him to choose me, but from what he’s told me that’s not a realistic choice.

  “What would happen if you turned it down?” I have to ask the question, because he hasn’t even mentioned this.

  “Turn it down?” He repeats with sarcasm, as if he hadn’t thought of it. “It’s not like they’ll fire me tomorrow, but I certainly won’t be up for any promotions anytime soon. They’ll think I’m not a team player.”

  I shake my head when I realize that he might really turn it down if I ask him to, but is that something I want to do?

  “I love you, Em. There’s nothing that I wouldn’t do for you, and despite what you think, I am thinking of us. This position is temporary; you and me, we’re forever.”

  “Ryan, I know how hard you’ve worked for a chance like this. I really am proud of you- I don’t want you to go, but I get it.”

  He walks toward me and hugs me tight. “Come with me.”

  “I can’t,” I repeat the words I’ve already told him. “Things are starting to pick up for my career, too. I’m not going to beg you to stay, I know this is a great opportunity for you, but I can’t go with you.”

  “I know,” he whispers into my ear before kissing my head.

  “Besides, a year isn’t so bad.”

  He pulls away and looks down at me as if no stranger words have ever been spoken, especially by me. “It is a long time, and you know it.”

  “We’ll be okay.” I try to convince him, as much as I try to convince myself. “This is just a nasty hurdle we have to make over, and once we do, it will be a small blip on an otherwise calm journey.”

  “You know you’re a terrible liar, right?”

  “I’m just tired of fighting,” I admit. “And I really think that everything will be okay. Don’t get me wrong, it’s gonna suck and it’ll be hard, but we can do this, right?” I need reassurance from him. He’s always been the logical o
ne, but right now, I need him to be the one that tells me what I need to hear. If he sells it, maybe he’ll believe it, and if he believes it, maybe I’ll start to as well.

  “You’re right.” He stands up and takes my hands to help me up. He pulls me close and brushes my hair out of my face before looking down at me. “We can do this, Em,” I nod, turn my head into his chest and breathe him in as though it’s the last time. When we finally break apart, I decide to shower, and properly fix myself up.

  “Wanna grab something to eat?” He questions when I turn to leave the room. The mere suggestion elicits a loud growl from my stomach.

  I smile the first genuine smile I’ve given him since our blow up the other night. “Yeah, just let me take a shower, and I'll be ready to get out of here.” I start walking to our bedroom and stop when I feel him just behind me. “What are you doing?”

  “I’m going with you to take a shower,” he explains, as if it makes complete sense.

  “I don’t recall inviting you,” I counter, with a raised brow.

  “Well, actually, your little tease did earlier. So yeah, I’m taking a shower with you.” He looks at me and gives me the same gorgeous smile I fell in love with. “You started it.” He throws his hands up signaling there is no choice, so I turn my back to him and continue walking. As soon as I get to the bathroom door, I remove the t-shirt I had put back on and concede defeat with a grin.

  CHAPTER 5

  The rest of the weekend flowed and in the end, Ryan and I seemed to be in a better place. Are things perfect? Of course not. Do I still have my concerns about him leaving? I wish I could say no, but a year is going to be so hard. Part of me wishes I could pack up and follow him, but it doesn’t seem realistic.

  Despite the weekend shenanigans, I was able to shoot out a few emails and finally got a hold of Mr. Miller about his corporate event. He responded and informed me that my contact, Sandy, was no longer employed with them. Until he finds a replacement, I’ll have to send everything to him, but he seems pretty agreeable to everything I’ve sent so far. I’m happy that I can show up to work this morning and report to Elle that everything is going smooth with the client.

  “How did your weekend go?” Cam asks when she passes my desk.

  “Started out shitty,” I say looking at my screen before facing her. “But it ended up pretty good.”

  “So you finally talked to him?”

  “Yeah,” I admit. “We had a good talk. We haven’t figured everything out yet, but at least we’re both trying.”

  “Good,” she says as she takes a seat. “So what did you call so late for?”

  “Shit,” I chastise myself, “I’m so sorry. I meant to call you Saturday and tell you about it. But Ryan was there, and it was a little hard to talk. Long story short?” It’s rhetorical, so I continue. “Went home, Ryan was there; we left. Went with Joss to a club- got drunk, danced, Ryan showed up and took us home.”

  “How did he know you were there?”

  “Sometime that night, Joss either called or texted and told him where we were.” I shrug because I still haven’t talked to her to find out what happened, but she probably doesn’t remember anyway.

  Cam laughs as I recount the evening but seems more satisfied that Ryan and I are communicating. She hasn’t met him yet, but I think she might be our biggest fan. “Are you two better now?”

  “Getting there,” I add. “He wants me to fly out to San Diego with him this weekend to help him find an apartment.” The thought of him leaving physically hurts me.

  “Of course you’re going, right?”

  “Yeah, we’ll head out on Friday. We spent yesterday looking at some places online, so he’s narrowed it down to a few.”

  Cam is quiet when she returns back to her work and I can only imagine what she’s thinking. At twenty-six, she’s already been married and divorced; I don’t know the circumstances under which her marriage ended. As I’m about to start making some phone calls, she speaks up. “Em, I really hope that you and Ryan do everything you can to make it work. If you try and fail, at least you know you did everything you could. There’s nothing worse than living with the fact that you know you gave up too easily.” And just like that, she dives headfirst into work.

  I’m stunned into silence, because I know there is more to that statement than she’s saying. Maybe someday she’ll trust me enough to share, but I won’t push her. I have work to distract me from my fears and concerns, and for that, I am grateful. The phone rings just in time to snap me back to reality.

  “Elle E. Grant Events, this is Emogen. How can I help you?”

  “Just who I was looking for,” the strong voice announces on the other end of line. “This is Trey Miller. We’ve emailed a few times over the weekend.”

  “Hello, Mr. Miller,” I respond, frazzled as I try to pull his file out of my bag. “I was just going to call you about some of the venues I have found for your event.”

  “That’s great.” His voice is muffled as he speaks, as though he’s covering up the receiver. I assume that he’s talking to someone near him, which gives me enough time to open the file so I’m prepared. When he speaks again, his voice is clear as he turns his attention to me. “Listen, Emogen, I have a couple more that I’d like to take a look at. I’ll be out of town this week, but can you meet with me next Thursday?”

  Without even a quick glance at my calendar, I know that I’m not free, that’s my last day with Ryan before he leaves for good, and I’ve already taken the day off. “I’m sorry, I’ll be out of the office. How about the following Monday?”

  “That’ll be fine.” He sounds irritated to be put off, but I already told Ryan I’d make the trip to San Diego with him to help him move in.

  “I can do it next Wednesday afternoon, if that works better?” I add, trying to accommodate him.

  “No, Monday will be fine,” he reassures me, this time seeming less annoyed. “Ten good for you?”

  “Yes sir,” I reply quickly adding, “I’ll meet you at your office.”

  I have so much left to do and local businesses to meet with. I’m sure Mr. Miller will find these vendors to be acceptable.

  * * *

  Driving to pick Ryan up from work so we can head to the airport gives me time to think about the last few days. Ryan and I have been together every evening this week. There is a desperate need to cling to each other whenever possible, and I do nothing to change the heaviness of that feeling. This afternoon we are flying out to California to look at the places that we found online that he thinks will work best for him. I don’t want to go with him, because the reality of everything will set in, but at the same time I need to be with him. He booked our flight and said we would make a weekend of it, but this isn’t the vacation I had in mind. Before I went to work this morning, I had everything packed up and ready in the back of my car.

  I wish the drive had taken longer, because I’m not ready for this next part. But I arrive at the ARK Consulting offices to see Ryan standing outside waiting for me. He looks so different from the man I’ve been spending my evenings with lately. He appears polished and sure of himself, whereas the guy I’ve been with is unkempt and laid back, two things I love about our time alone. This man I’m looking at right now seems so sure of himself, and this move away is killing me. I just wish he were as torn up about this whole thing as I am.

  “Hey babe,” he says, before leaning over to kiss me, as he closes the car door.

  “Hey,” is all I’m able to say back.

  “Everything okay?” He asks as he furrows his brow.

  “Yeah, everything’s fine,” I lie. “It’s been a long day and I’m just really tired.”

  “Em.” He shakes his head. “You realize I know when you’re lying, right?”

  When I look at him, the grin on his face is enough to melt me on the spot, but I cover well. “I’m not lying.”

  “Alright. Whatever you say.”

  The ride to the airport is thick with things still unsaid an
d he seems as morose as I am. This should be a weekend for us to find some common ground and expectations about what the next year will mean to us. Instead, fear is keeping me from saying everything I want to. The drive to the airport is short and after parking the car, Ryan dutifully gets out and grabs our bags while I lock up. Walking side by side through the airport, neither of us says a word, except the occasional “here you go” while dealing with TSA or the ticketing agents.

  I could kick myself, because up until today things have been good. I suppose it’s the reality of what’s coming that is making me act this way. It’s not fair to Ryan, especially when he wants to know what I’m thinking. “I don’t like this, Ryan.” I look down at my hand that’s twirling my engagement ring around my finger. “We’re going away to find you a new home. Does that even register as strange to you?”

  He shakes his head and scoffs audibly, “Yeah, it’s weird. But it won’t be home. Home is our place. Together. This is just a temporary arrangement.” He reaches for my chin to look into my eyes. “Can we just try to think of it like that? Enjoy this weekend together? I have a few things planned.”

  Surprise takes over my bad attitude and I try to play along. “What do you have planned?”

  He reaches for my hand, brings it to his lips before kissing it, and gives me a quick wink. “You’ll see.”

  During the two-hour flight, Ryan and I don’t talk much about his impending move, choosing instead for a lighthearted conversation about my sister, Langley. She met some guy last month and every time I talk to her, she does nothing but gush about how great he is. I’m so glad that she found someone, because it annoyed her that her little sister was settling down before her.

  With everything that’s been going on between Ryan and me, I have been a poor excuse for a sister, something she pointed out numerous times. I’m not sure where they met, but she said that on their first date, he kept making her laugh and complimenting her. But her favorite part was when he reached out and held her hand; I think she used the word fireworks. I doubt she’s getting ready to make any big moves with this guy, but it’s nice to hear her so happy. Lang and Ryan had an instant bond and he agrees that hearing her so fired up over this new guy is entertaining.