Finding Laila: Some Changes are Necessary Page 7

  “Luka,” I call after her but Haden emerges with her in his arms, hers wrapped around his neck, practically choking him. “Mom, can you get Luka?”

  “Haden,” she sticks her lip out in a pout, “can I come with you?”

  “Not today,” he says as he sets her to the ground. “Your sister is all crazy jealous because you’re my favorite, so I need to spend some time with her.”

  I narrow my eyes at him, not at all entertained by his snide joke. He knows well how annoyed I get with Luka, but something tells me he’s doing this to lighten the mood between us, so I choose to let it go.

  “Yeah, so jealous,” I agree halfhearted only to find there is truth in his words. Someone needs to put me out of my misery—I’m jealous of a five-year-old.

  “See?” He points at me and she laughs.

  “Let’s go before I change my mind,” I tell him. “Be back later,” I call out to whoever might be listening.

  “Have fun,” Mom calls out and I pause for a moment before making it all the way outside.

  I wait for the door to shut before turning around to lay into Haden, but when I finally do, he’s standing right in front of me and doesn’t give me a second to speak. He takes my face in his hands and places a kiss to my lips.

  “Haden,” I start to protest, but he shakes his head.

  “I’ve decided that I’m all in, screw what anyone thinks.” He moves his hands from my face, threads his fingers with mine and looks at the place where we are joined.

  “I’m not worried about everyone, just our small group. And what about you and me? This is a game changer, Haden.” I exhale loudly, overwhelmed by the potential effect this could have on everything we know.

  “If you’re willing to give this a try, we’ll deal with whatever comes up—and as far as I’m concerned, our friends will be fine with it. I mean, Joey has been pushing me to tell you for a while.”

  “He what?”

  “Ah, man,” he laughs and gives my hand a light tug as he pulls me down the sidewalk. “Don’t be pissed at Joe—I think he was annoyed with me asking him who you were into.”

  We venture out toward the quarry and I find it easier to speak up.

  “This is my problem with all of this: I don’t like being talked about. I know people talk about me all day, every day. But you guys are supposed to be my friends, yet you’re all keeping secrets. Not cool.”

  “So you’re telling me that you’ve never kept a secret from any of us?”

  “Yeah, the whole…you being gay thing. I never said anything to anyone,” I laugh.

  “And look where that got you,” he counters.

  “But why this pact? If you really felt this way all this time, why would you agree to it?”

  He huffs a small laugh and shakes his head, clearly embarrassed that I’m asking this question. “You know that thing about marking your territory?”

  “Excuse me?” I ask, wide-eyed.

  “Not like that, but I was a stupid kid. I hated the idea of you dating one of the guys, so when Cole suggested it, I guess it seemed easier to handle if no one would get to be with you.”

  “That has to be the stupidest thing I’ve heard,” I scoff.

  “I mentioned we were young, right?” he defends and I laugh.

  “But when they started dating, why didn’t you say anything then?”

  “Same reason you’re scared to do anything now.” He smiles.

  “Touché,” I concede.

  “Look, all I’m asking is for a chance. Let me take you to Cole’s today, I’ll pick you up at four and you can give me your answer then.”

  “What if I don’t have one yet?”

  He cocks his head to the side and smiles as if he’s thinking. “I’ve waited this long. I can wait a little longer.”

  Chapter 7 ~ Finding History

  When we finish our walk, Haden leaves with my assurance that I will give it more thought. I’m not sure what he thinks I’m going to come up with in less than six hours. All I can think about is his question about keeping secrets.

  I never thought of my silence about my crushes on the guys as potentially damaging. There was no reciprocation on feeling, so no harm, no foul. And it was so long ago.

  * * *

  Midway through eighth grade, I had a class with each of the boys. Haden had convinced me to take art because it would be an easy A.

  It was the first C I ever got.

  It was the basics, yet it was beyond my ability. Apparently there was not an artistic bone in my body, despite my best efforts. But I could appreciate the talent.

  I used to love watching Haden work because there was an intensity in his technique that was hard to ignore. It wasn’t the first time I saw Haden Searle as more than one of my best friends. But it was certainly the point where I knew that the friendships I valued so much would be laid on the line if I were wrong. I developed a crush on him that drove me insane with jealousy, and I was not typically a jealous person.

  Apparently I wasn’t the only one who saw his talent.

  He had saved me a seat on the first day of class, so he could teach me on the side, but Caarly tried to take my place midway through the first month. Haden had that dark and brooding thing going on that girls liked, but it was mainly because he wanted to be left alone. I admired his kindness first and his talent second—but his looks weren’t far behind. I wasn’t blind.

  One day, I walked in to see Caarly sitting in my spot, twirling her hair and trying to gain his attention.

  “Are you dating Laila?” I overheard her ask him.

  I stood at my art cubby and fumbled with my books to buy myself time to listen in. We weren’t dating; I wasn’t dating anyone. He was most definitely ripe for the picking so there was nothing stopping him flirting with her. She wasn’t the type of girl I pictured him dating, but then again, what did I know?

  “What’s it to you?” he asked, never looking at her.

  “Nothing,” she smirked. “It’s just, well, I think she might be into you, and if you’re not into her, then maybe you wanna hang out sometime.”

  He didn’t answer or stop working, and I could tell she was getting irritated when she spoke again.

  “Interesting. Maybe you aren’t even into girls.”

  His hand kept moving with ease over the paper he was sketching on and she was beginning to get annoyed. Yes, over that semester, I’d started to look at Haden as more than a friend and I knew he wasn’t into me like that, but I’d never considered that he wasn’t into girls at all. My heart broke a little because I’d really hoped that maybe he’d look at me as more than just one of the guys someday.

  “Whatever you need to tell yourself, Caarly,” he muttered.

  I walked over to join them, having heard enough from her. “You’re in my seat.”

  She looked around and feigned surprise. “Are you talking to me?”

  “He’s just not that into you, Caarly. Why don’t you find someone else to throw yourself at?” I said as I leaned down into her face with a smirk.

  Her mouth dropped open and Haden’s shoulders shook as he chuckled, never ceasing the work on his latest piece. She looked from Haden and then to me before shoving out of the chair and getting in my face.

  “I was not throwing myself at Haden Searle,” she protested, and I crossed my arms over my chest and watched her get all worked up. “Trust me. I have no problem getting guys to date me.”

  “Are you trying to convince us or you?” I leveled my eyes at her.

  Without another word, she stormed off to her table at the back of the room and sulked for the rest of the period.

  “Wow, Nixon, I’ve never seen you jealous,” Haden laughed but never looked at me.

  “And you still haven’t,” I lied before taking my seat next to him.

  That afternoon I went home and wrote in my journal, because that’s what I did since I didn’t have any girlfriends to talk things out. I’d learned over the years that any girls who did try to befri
end me were using me to get to the guys. Eventually I enacted a ‘no-girlfriends’ policy, which served me well—until it didn’t. I had my mom, and I could go to her with things, but I was protective of what I shared about the guys.

  * * *

  I still have every journal I’ve ever written, so I go to my closet and dig for the black and white spiral that I remember. I hide things well, so it takes me a few minutes of searching to find the right one. When I do, it’s marked with the telltale warnings of a moody fourteen-year-old.

  Open it and die, the words read, and I laugh. I flip through the pages until I find the entry I’m looking for.

  Where do I even begin?

  Sometimes I hate being one of the guys. They are all so great, but it sucks when they are all starting to get cute and I’m still…me. My hair is too stringy, my boobs are nonexistent and I’m too tall. I suppose it could be worse, I could be completely alone.

  Caarly threw herself at Haden today and I got so mad. He actually accused me of being jealous and while yes, I was jealous, I still can’t believe he said that to me. What’s he trying to do, mess up our Quarry Gang? (I call us that, they don’t, but I’m waiting for it to catch on.)

  At least Caarly wasn’t being nice to me to get to him, that’s a new one. I’m so sick of some of the popular girls coming up and trying to be my friend just to get to Braxton, Cole, Joey or Haden. It’s laughable to think I’d have any influence over the guys in the girl department. Doesn’t matter anyway because as soon as they figure it out, the girls stop talking to me and it’s just one more person I can add to the “I hate Laila Nixon Club.” (Trademark pending, I’m sure.) I can guarantee that there are no guys trying to get in with those four to get to me.

  Last year, I had a crush on Braxton, the year before that, it was Cole. This year, I can’t stop looking at Haden. I swear, one day, he’s going to catch me and then I’ll die from embarrassment. Joey is the only person I’d ever tell about my crush, but he gets all weird when I tell him about who I like. If he knew I liked Haden, he’d probably tell me everything that he does wrong and make me feel stupid. I suppose it will have to stay here in this journal, which is fine with me.

  But if Haden’s not interested in Caarly, there’s no way he’d ever look at me. Could he really be into guys? Not that it matters… but I’ve never noticed him look at the others like that, but maybe I’m missing something, or maybe they aren’t his type? I would never ask him because if he is, that’s something he’ll let us know when he’s ready, but still, what am I supposed to do about all these messed up feelings I have for him?

  Should I tell him and get it out of my system? No, that’s not a good idea because then things could get very weird.

  Maybe I need to make a list—a list of everything about him that I like and don’t like so I can get him out of my system for good.

  Haden’s Good qualities:

  1. he’s really cute

  2. he’s a great friend.

  3. his artwork is amazing.

  4. his eyes.

  5. his arms. (I love his arms.)

  6. he’s one of the nicest people I know.

  7. I like when he holds my hand, even if it’s just as a friend.

  8. he always has my back.

  Haden’s Bad qualities:

  1. he can be too intense.

  2. he’s not into me

  3. I don’t stand a chance.

  4. He’s my friend—not a bad thing, just a “problem” to ever being more than friends.

  5. ???

  All right, I’ve looked at this list for five minutes and I can’t come up with anything else wrong with Haden. UGH! This is going to be a long year if something doesn’t change. Maybe he’ll do something gross, or say something mean and I’ll finally get over him.

  Please let me get over him. I can’t have my heart broken by one of my best friends. It will ruin everything.

  I finish reading and recall those feelings I had for him. I rarely cried, but that day I did and it took everything in me to push the feelings aside so I could get over him. I’m not sure how long it took, but eventually the feeling subsided and things went back to normal—where Haden was my friend and I no longer had to fight the things inside of me.

  Chapter 8 ~ Finding Compromise

  “Mom. Dad,” I call out, running down the stairs, “Haden’s here—heading to Cole’s.”

  “See you there,” Dad answers but Luka stops me.

  “Lala, can I come with you?” she asks from her seat in the living room with a sweet smile. Well, others think it’s sweet. I think it’s shifty.

  Usually, my stock answer is a solid “no,” but looking at her dressed in her play clothes, it’s easy for me to consider. Besides, I have an ulterior motive: if I take her with us, then she will serve as a distraction for the rest of the group.

  “Ask Mom,” I tell her, knowing that Mom will definitely welcome the break.

  “Make sure you have her booster” is all she says from the kitchen.

  I knew she was listening.

  “C’mon, brat, let’s jet. Haden’s waiting.”

  She walks over and takes my hand, and for once I let her. I know I sound like an awful person, but I really do love my sister; she just annoys me.

  Every. Day.

  I catch her going through my purse, or sneaking into my room to try on my shoes. The kid is five; we have nothing in common. But for whatever reason, when I’m home she shadows my every move.

  Haden opens his car door when we step onto the front porch and flashes a huge smile at me. I watch as his eyes move down to Luka before he looks up at me and cocks his head to the side. He raises an eyebrow and I mimic the gesture before he crosses his arms over his chest, revealing his chiseled biceps, and I lose the rest of my thoughts.

  Well played, Searle; you win this round, Searle.

  Maybe Mom was right… maybe I never really did get over him.

  “Hey, Lukadoll!” He walks over to her and picks her up for a hug and seemingly dismisses me. “You comin’ with us?”

  “Yeah, Mommy said I can but I have to get my booster.” She smiles as he sets her to the ground. She runs off to get the seat from the minivan, leaving us alone.

  “What was that?” He nods his head to the porch where I was standing moments before.

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I lie with a smirk.

  “Thought you’d bring your sister to protect you from me, huh?” he grins.

  Busted!

  “What? No—” I can’t seem to defend myself appropriately. “She wanted to see her boyfriend.”

  “I’m not her boyfriend, Lai. I hope that I’m already taken.” He looks at me sincerely. “Unless this is your way of telling me no.” He raises his eyebrows in question and leans in to whisper in my ear, “But I really hope it’s a yes.”

  My eyes flutter shut and I know that it’s a yes. There’s no sense in fighting it, but I’m only able to nod.

  He steps back and worries his lip with a nod of his own. “So you don’t even want to try?”

  “Yes,” I answer without hesitation. “I do want to.”

  “Want to what?” Luka interrupts and looks between Haden and me.

  His smile is back in place and he reaches down to take the booster in one hand and picks up my sister in the other. “She wants to be my girlfriend,” he tells her with a huge smile on his face.

  I open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out.

  “But I’m your girl, Haden,” she pouts.

  He kisses her cheek and she laughs. “Yes you are. But your sister’s been my girl for longer. She just didn’t know it.”

  Luka’s little lip juts out, but she nods her understanding and laughs when Haden blows a kiss onto her cheek. I lose myself watching him buckle her in, and find the last twenty-four hours to be the most active and confusing of my life.

  “You comin’?” he asks when he’s buckled Luka in her seat.

  I nod and smile bef
ore making my way to the passenger side, but he beats me to it.

  “What are you doing?”

  “Being a gentleman.” He winks.

  He opens the car door, but before I can get in, he takes me in his arms and gives me a simple kiss—that is not so simple at all. Those butterflies everyone talks about when they kiss, the shivers I’ve read about in books, the hot flashes—yeah, I have every single one of those things happening to me at one time.

  We’ve officially taken the leap that could spell disaster for our group of friends and our friendship. Yet the fact we are both willing to take it makes me feel like maybe it will work out.

  “Thank you.” I lean up to kiss his cheek but he turns his head and my lips are on his again.

  “Gross,” Luka calls out, interrupting the moment.

  “Yeah, Haden. Gross,” I mimic her tone and slide into my seat, but not before mouthing to him, ‘Later.’

  He shuts the driver side door, fires up the car, and I turn to see Luka covering her ears because the radio is too loud. Haden turns the volume down and looks through the rearview mirror.

  “You okay, Lukadoll?”

  She shakes her head and I turn to look at her, too.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing.” She looks down at her lap and I see her little lip stick out again.

  “Luka? Do you not want to go?”

  She shakes her head no, but refuses to look up at either of us.

  “Haden, can you give us a second?” I ask and he nods his head before stepping out of the car. I wait until he’s away before turning back to her.

  “Why did you take him away?” Her voice cracks like it does when she’s about to cry.

  I never feel guilty for the things I say or do to Luka, but this—her little heart breaking—is too much for me.

  “I didn’t mean to. I know you love Haden, but he’s been my friend for a really long time. I know it’s hard to understand, but I we’ve always loved each other. I guess it’s just a little different now.”

  “What about me?”

  “Haden loves you, you know that.” I reach back and rub her knee until she finally looks at me.