Mine to Lose

  Mine to Lose

  a novel by

  T.K. Rapp

  Copyright Notice

  This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either product of the author’s imagination or are used fictiously. Any resemblance to actual events, places or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

  All rights reserved. This book contains material protected under International and Federal Copyright Laws and Treaties. Any unauthorized reprint or use of this material is prohibited. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system without express written permission from the author, T.K. Rapp.

  Cover Design by T.K. Rapp

  Cover Image Courtesy ~ Forgiss/Bigstock.com

  Copyright © 2013 T.K. Rapp

  All rights reserved.

  SBN-13: 978-0-9896432-3-8

  ISBN-10: 0-9896432-3-9

  For my Dixie, the best friend a girl could ask for. I’ll miss you sweet pup.

  “You don't know who is important to you until you actually lose them.”

  ~Mahatma Gandhi

  Table of Contents

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  Chapter 22

  Chapter 23

  Chapter 24

  Chapter 25

  Chapter 26

  Chapter 27

  Chapter 28

  Chapter 29

  Chapter 30

  Chapter 31

  Epilogue

  Acknowledgments

  CHAPTER 1

  “I have to go.” His voice spikes up in frustration.

  “No, Ryan.” I spin to face him. “You don’t have to do anything, you want to go.”

  “Is that what you really believe?” He sounds shocked by my words, but continues, “I have no choice.”

  “You have a choice.” I throw my hands in the air in exasperation. “We all have a choice! You’ve been looking for any reason to get the hell out of here.”

  “Last I checked, Em, we have bills to pay, and we aren’t exactly in a position for me to walk away from a decent paying job. Besides, this will set me up to get a promotion sooner than if I stayed around here.”

  When I look at my fiancé, floored at the words that come out of his mouth, the disappointment that I feel in this moment is crushing. Of course, we rely on his income to make ends meet, but to say that he needs to leave for work makes me feel as if I don’t matter. I can’t believe we’re in the middle of planning a wedding, and we are already having a huge crisis in our relationship. What does this mean for our marriage? Maybe I’m being dramatic, but it feels like he’s bailing on me.

  “Ryan, do you understand what this could do to us? Look at us.” I wave my hands wildly between us. “This isn’t normal. We’ve only been here nine months; I packed up and followed you to Denver. You know how hard it was for me to find a job out here, but I found one, and I love it. It ripped my heart out to leave my mom and my sister behind, but I have finally started to make friends out here and now you want us to pack up our lives and move, again?”

  “Want? No, I don’t want to leave.” He runs his hand through his hair and tugs before finishing. “But in order to get ahead, I have to move. We have no kids, it’s the perfect time to take these chances; I’m doing this for us.”

  “You’re not doing this for us,” I scoff in annoyance. “And what about me and my career? Am I supposed to follow you? Are you trying to tell me that my career isn’t as important as yours?”

  His body rears back, as though I physically slapped him, his brow furrowing at my words. I know that I’ve hurt him, but I am too upset to care. How did we get here? How did my fiancé, the person I trust most in the world, become a virtual stranger? We’ve both been so busy at our jobs that I guess we missed the signs. I figured we would have time to sort things out, but the way this conversation is going, I’m not sure there’s a way out.

  “When they told me about this position I knew you wouldn’t be happy with moving, so I looked for other jobs, but there’s nothing out there. This economy is shit, and if I walk away now, it could be months before I find something else. I’m not asking you to do anything but understand what I have to do.” He walks toward me. “I can’t turn this down; it’s just another stepping stone to prove to them that this is where I want to be.”

  “Well, while you’re proving to them where you want to be, you’re showing me where you don’t want to be. Here--with me.”

  “Damn it, Em, stop it!”

  “Stop what? Questioning you? What you’re doing to us? I’m sorry, I thought that this was our relationship!” I can’t help the rise in my voice. “This is our life you are messing with; do you get that?”

  “God! Why are you making this about us? This is for my career,” he counters, defeat evident in his voice.

  “If you don’t realize that this is about us, then this whole thing is far worse than I ever imagined.” My eyes sting with unshed tears, but I refuse to let them escape.

  Ryan reaches out for me, but I shake my head and step away from him. “Stop. Just leave me alone. Believe it or not, I understand where you’re coming from. But the fact that I don’t even factor into your decision says more than you’ll ever know.” I choke out my thoughts past the lump in my throat. He’s ripping out my heart, and I don’t care to try to hide it. As much as I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, doubt is all I seem to have in me.

  “You know you are the most important thing to me.” He tries desperately to explain, reaching out for me again, but I don’t want to hear it.

  “There was a time that I wouldn’t have ever questioned that, but that was before you started putting your career first. You took the job without even talking to me. What am I supposed to think?” I constantly move around the small living room to avoid looking at him.

  “So what are you trying to say?”

  “I’m not saying anything, Ryan. You have said everything there is to say, haven’t you?” I let my eyes meet his and gaze upon him with a blank stare. It’s a look I have mastered in the last couple of months. “I think you need to go.”

  He shakes his head in disbelief. “What? Are you serious right now?” His annoyed glare lands on mine. “Where am I supposed to go, Emogen? This is our home.”

  “If you’re not leaving, then I will,” I say flatly. I make a show of heading to our room with every intention of grabbing my things. I don’t know where I’ll go, and I sound immature, but my heart aches at what’s taking place right now. He heads to our room and blocks my path, preventing me from leaving.

  The silence is palpable as we stand, staring each other down. I’m not sure which of us just won this argument, but I’m pretty sure that it was neither. He waits for me to crack, like I always do, but after a minute, he scoffs before stepping aside. “Fine, I’ll call Dean.”

  I walk to the couch and throw myself into my usual spot in a huff before grabbing one of the throw pillows. He’s going to Dean’s place, and as much as I like his friend, the guy’s a ladies man, always partying and bringing home different women.

  I rest my chin on my hand that hugs the pillow and try to think of somethin
g to say. Do I want to take back everything I’ve said? Not really, because it feels as if he’s putting me last. But do I want him to leave? Of course not. This is Ryan, the man I love, and the man I plan to marry. And as much as I don’t want him living the bachelor life with Dean tonight, I don’t want him here either.

  The lump in my throat grows larger when he emerges from the room with a duffle bag in hand. Tears continue to form in my eyes and my nose burns as I try to fight the emotions that want to be set free. Seeing him, still so handsome but determined to win, almost destroys me. It would be easy to give in to him, but if I give in now, I’ll be giving in for the rest of my life. I’m too stubborn to stand and stop him or to even say goodbye.

  He walks over and stands near me, but I stare at a small clump of lint on the wood floor under the entertainment center. I hold my gaze to it, as if it alone can save me. If I look at him, I’ll cry; if I speak, my voice will give me away. I hear him sigh heavily before he leans down to kiss my cheek. Apparently that’s when my body decides to react. I pull away, just as I feel his breath near. His sharp intake of air lets me know that he’s hurt. I feel a silent delight knowing that I’ve hurt him, because he’s just ripped my heart out.

  “I’ll see you later, Em,” he says while walking to the door. I hear him stop, and I can only assume he looks back at me. “This isn’t what I want.”

  When I turn my head to look at him, all I see is the door closing behind him, and then the tears spill out. I stay glued to the couch for at least an hour, trying to determine if I will ever get up.

  * * *

  I cried all night, so I doubt that I look my normal, put-together self. I think I finally fell asleep sometime after three in the morning, which means I only got two hours of sleep before my alarm woke me up. When I look at my appearance in the mirror, all I can see are the bags under my eyes. I shouldn’t have those at twenty-two, at least I assume I shouldn’t. When I get to the office, I fill my mug with coffee before retreating to my desk to hide away in my work for the day.

  “Hey,” Cam exclaims from her desk nearby, “we still on for lunch today?”

  Crap! I forgot we’re supposed to go out; I don’t feel like putting on a happy face for anyone. “Cam, can we do it another day? I’m not really up for it,” I say, moving papers around my desk to act swamped with work.

  I’ve only been working for six months, but in the short time I’ve been here, I’ve come to consider Cam a good friend. Good enough to read me better than most people who’ve known me my whole life. She walks over to me and without skipping a beat replies, “No, we’re going today. But I think you need to vent.” She looks at me with wide eyes, waiting for a response. “M’Kay?”

  I smile, thankful that she is willing to put up with me, and even though I don’t want to go, it might be exactly what I need. “Yeah Cam, sounds good.”

  When eleven thirty rolls around, Cam’s almost too eager to get me out, no doubt because she wants to know what’s going on. She practically packs my office up for me to get me out quicker. “C’mon, we only have forty-five minutes, and something tells me we’ll need every second of that.”

  “You have no idea,” I mutter under my breath.

  Lucky for me, Cam picks the deli down the road and finds an empty table in the back. She heads to the counter to order our usual and I sit, numb and disinterested in anything else around me. When she takes her seat across from me, she stares at me in silence, and I appreciate that she doesn’t push me to talk. At least not before I’m ready.

  “Ryan left,” I finally admit, once the silence has gone on too long. The moment the words come out, I bury my face in my hands and start crying all over again. Saying the words out loud causes a stabbing pain in my heart, which only makes me cry harder.

  “He what?” I look up to see her face stunned by my confession.

  “Left,” I answer. “My fiancé left.”

  “Hold on.” She puts her hands on top of mine. “What happened?”

  “Ryan was offered a position in California for the next year, and he accepted without so much as a conversation about it with me. So I told him he needed to leave.”

  “But why? What’s going on?”

  I start from the beginning and tell her that he has a job opportunity that he says he needs to take for his career. I explain that we had a huge fight because he accepted and expects me to follow. When I finish talking, Cam leans back in her chair and looks as exhausted as I feel. I don’t know why I unloaded everything on her, but since I moved from my family in Utah, I don’t have anyone close by to talk to besides my best friend, Joss.

  Cam remains quiet for a while, picking at her paper napkin on the table, and I’m not sure what she’s going to say. I do know when someone stays silent for this long it’s usually because they don’t know how you’re going to take what they say.

  “I’ve never met Ryan.” She raises her eyebrows, asking for some leeway before continuing. “And it doesn’t sound like he really wanted to ‘leave,’” she says with air quotes. “But it seems to me that you two are on different paths. You’re getting married in, what, a year?” I nod before she finishes. “Did you two talk about what you wanted? Long-term?”

  I try to think back, but I don’t know that we did talk about these things. However, my embarrassment keeps me from admitting that truth. “Of course we talked. But things change, I guess.”

  “Does that happen often? Things changing?” I know that she sees through my lie, and I look down at my hands that are clasped between my knees.

  I shake my head before making eye contact with my friend. “No.” I’m barely able to whisper.

  She leans over and reaches for my hand, so I release it from my own before giving it to her. “What do you want, Em?” I hear the sympathy in her voice and my heart swells.

  “I want Ryan,” I answer simply.

  “But why? Why do you want Ryan? Is it him? Or the idea of him?”

  “It’s all the same thing, isn’t it?”

  She shakes her head. “No. It isn’t. So maybe you need to figure out why you fell for him in the first place.”

  We sit in silence for what seems an eternity when the waitress brings our orders. She sets the plates on the table and leaves me mulling over Cam’s question. Why did I fall for Ryan?

  Before I can answer, she hits me with another question. “How did you and Ryan even meet?”

  I don’t even try to contain the smile that creeps onto my face. Three years ago, the first time I laid eyes on Ryan, I fell in lust.

  CHAPTER 2 ~ 3 Years Ago

  It was early fall and I had arrived at campus early for a nine a.m. class. I had seen him in passing on more than one occasion, but never had the chance to talk to him. That’s probably because I was scared easily. As I sat in my car, I began to read over the notes for my next class. I was trying to study for my exam but I had to admit he was nice a distraction. He was sitting in a dirty red Jeep with the windows down, and he looked to be sleeping, or maybe he was just listening to the music. I couldn’t tell because of the sunglasses he was wearing.

  I took the chance to ogle what I could of his handsome face, noting his chiseled jaw and full lips. He had the seat leaned back and his arms were crossed over his chest. He was relaxed and sexy and I wanted to know him. What color were his eyes? What did he do for fun? Did he have a girlfriend?

  Was he smirking?

  His messy brown hair ruffled slightly and he turned his head in my direction and flashed a crooked smile. I couldn’t tear my eyes away fast enough as I tried so hard to play it off, looking around for a ghost of sorts, but failed. He knew I was looking at him, and maybe he knew the whole time, but I couldn’t tell through the sunglasses.

  I turned my radio up and tried to ignore what had just happened, but every time I thought about it, my cheeks would burn again.

  “Stupid!” I muttered to myself. “What were you thinking?”

  I grabbed my cell phone off the console in my car and
dialed a number, any number, as fast as I could.

  “Hello?” my roommate answered, and it was clear that I had woken her up.

  “Hey, Joss. Sorry to wake you.” I felt bad for calling, but I knew she’d understand. “I just made an ass outta myself, and the guy is still nearby. I just need to look busy.” As I finished telling her, I peeked in his direction, only to see that he was no longer sitting in his car. I closed my eyes in relief, my embarrassment quelled.

  “So he was hot?” she asked, and I was so glad to have her back me up.

  “Yeah. Very hot,” I buzzed, “but he’s gone now. I’m sorry I woke you up; go back to sleep.”

  “Hot guy?” She paused for a moment and laughed. “You can wake me up anytime.”

  I looked at the clock on my radio and realized I only had thirty minutes to get to class. I started gathering my things together, but all I could picture was the handsome guy, resting in his Jeep. He had scruff on his chiseled jaw, as if he hadn’t shaved that morning. It was sexy. His brown hair was messy, but I couldn’t help think that it was all well planned. The only thing I didn’t get to see were his eyes, because they were hidden behind his sunglasses. But by the way the rest of him looked, I was sure he had to have gorgeous eyes. I felt a sudden urgency not to let the opportunity slip away, so I pulled out a sheet of paper from my bag and scrawled a note.

  I was the girl in the black Acura. Sorry I stared, but I thought you were sexy. Just wanted to tell you.

  I folded the note and grabbed the rest of my things before getting out of the car. I looked around to make sure he wasn’t nearby, and when I didn’t see him, I wedged the note in his car door and headed to class.

  That afternoon, after spending all day on campus, I was more than ready to get home, relax, and catch up on some of my shows. I had already forgotten the earlier incident in the parking lot, so when I opened my door and a note fell to the ground, a smile broke out.

  I thought you were cute, too. Call me sometime. 435-555-8383.